damn you

it was hard this time. well i took it like a fully charged punch on my face.
tapi what to do kan? why do people find solace in stealing other people's stuff? i was like so angry and sad that i just stare sadly at other people who keep asking me the "what happen?" question. and to think that i just lost my phone exactly a month ago! maybe i am just plain careless and maybe this is just waiting to happen. but i still could not believe that it is happening to me. ok, so maybe to some other people this is not like a big problem right. Lose your phone, buy a new one. Why bother? but i'm not that other people. i'm not like privilleged enough to go out and simply buy another phone when i have already lose one. sedihnya. i was still at the point where i am collecting other people phone no, but seems that i should have not bother with that at the first place.
thank you.you have officially ruin my day.

Monday mourning

it was nevertheless shocking. i could not even look at her for the fear of tears would start welling in my eyes. she was so forlorn. the figure that i thought was so strong, the image of a successful woman, epitome of a cool mother, and a mother to a really adorable child at that. i used to long to be like her. so stylish, so outspoken, always in charge and know what is she doing, add that with countless admirable eyes that follows her, and eventhough in her 30s, she looks much more younger than most of the 20-year-old that i know. and yet there she was. looking so forlorn and not knowing what to do. her white blouse added the sympathetic effect and her child like tears-strewn face makes me feel like hugging her and telling her that everything will be all right.
how could he? after all these years, after what they have been through? how could he done what he has done? questions kept popping in my head but to ask them will surely bring a sharp look from my parents but i just keep staring at my birthday cake which was in front of me. oh, how trivial my endless fighting with my baby seems to be. how trivial my longing for a memorable birthday celebration with nice surprises. how trivial my worry for not enough money compare to that. everything seems so trivial and less important when it is compared to that.

and then all tears that have been swallowed break loose when i saw her child's face again.
i will never wish this on anybody. fate is so cruel to us mortal sometimes.

not 23

i used to wonder how does it feel to turn 23. when i was 12, i could not wait to grow up. it's not that i have a bad childhood or anything, but the idea of growing up and living my life without my parents' support does seem appealing to a 12 year-old idealist back then. Back then nothing seems more appealing than full fledged freedom. everything seems so slow and tedious and childish. all that matter is getting out of the parents grip and having the power to do anything that i long to.
and today i turn 23 after years of waiting.
the idealist has long been dead and buried. i have a job, but honestly i don't have a clear direction for my career. i do know that i want to be rich though, but any 7-year-old can also tell you that right? as for freedom, i don't know whether i am entitled to that anymore. i still live at home with my parents. i still have to report to my parents whenever i am coming home late. i still have somebody driving me up to work now, instead of having my dad dropping me at school. i am totally terrified of driving manual car.i still suffer from low self esteem from time to time, just like i always did during school days. my pimples are getting worryingly bigger and i am getting more conscious about my look. problems just get bigger but my heart is getting smaller. i have a dull headache that i have to fight everytime i set foot in my office. oh bencinya!
why?
23 is not suppose to be like this. it is suppose to be full of excitement with young blood always waiting to pounce. it is suppose to be all rosy with eveything going according to the plan. it is suppose to be full of clear skin, nice hair waif like lightness. it is suppose to be full of laughter and living on my own with friends who cares and family who understands. it is suppose to toxify your soul in love which is full of lovely surprises and tender hugs and kisses. it is suppose to slave yourself to a company which will ensure your steady uprise in the corporate ladder and spending half your life in the airport waiting for the plane to arrive. it is suppose to enrich our brain with the theory of life and the rebelliousness of holden of catcher in the rye.
i do miss my 12 year-old innocence with the world in front of me and my old bicycle my ever true love with stealing glances from my next door neighbour.

by the way, you are not suppose to work on your birthday, right?
it just kills everything.